When did I become a teenager?

I hate liars. I hate hypocrites. I hate people who have standards and rules for everybody else, but not for themselves. I hate people studying counselling degrees who treat your life as an experiment, that extra step needed to finish the course.

 

Traps. Questions that will incriminate you whatever answer you give. Hidden pits in the ground you stand on, filled with the sharp stakes of expectation and disappointment. People who never pay attention to you, unless it's to tell you they want the best for you and that's why they pay so much attention to you. The words that come out of their mouths are just broken mathematical equations, meaningless, against all reason, lies. 2=1, 2=1.

 

At what point did things change? There was a time when these people were not my allied enemies, when life was not a struggle. Has that hormone finally clicked in me that makes me a teenager, angry with the world and against my family? Or is it real? Has something in my world changed to make others' flaws stand out more easily to me, and my own to everyone else? In my head? Or real? Is there even a difference?

 

Are my feelings, that confused mess of nouns, justifiable? Or am I underwater, unable to see things clearly, inhibiting my ability to respond correctly?

 

Is it their fault or mine?

 

There is always something present in your life that you enjoy - the small things that shouldn't matter, but actually provide small pleasure. Things like picking grass burrs out of your dog's long coat, or letting your dog off the lead for the first time, or fixing and rebuilding your classic, 16-year-old Scalextric track.

 

These things all somehow manage to be exciting, therapeutic or fun. People-watching is another small activity that does this. Sitting in a food court somewhere, watching people go by is amazingly entertaining and satisfying. There go the "cool" kids, doing their stupid walks in their unflattering clothes, pretending that everything is okay and they are supreme, when you know they have problems at home and are failing in school. There go the new couple, completely infatuated with each other. There goes the artistic extrovert person, with their brightly coloured, mismatching clothes, flamboyant hairstyle and crazy shoes. And so on.

 

But this extends to other places, like small group for example. There are the boys, athletic, clever and good-looking, who make you feel inferior. There are the popular girls, sociable, pretty and happy, who intimidate you not because you want them, but because you know that no matter how hard you try you'll never be good enough. There's your friends, who pay out your girlfriend blatantly in your face, not knowing that you are trying your very hardest to keep quiet and avoid an altercation.

 

It's not only in small group that people are easy to read. Some of your friends pretend they care, but clam up tight and ignore you when you try to help them. Some of them expect you to always be 100%, so you can deal with all their problems all the time. There might be an ex-girlfriend, who is still nice to you, but you both know behind the facade that it's because of you she turned to alcohol and had sex with all those guys, ensuring her depression and ruining her life. There might be people you don't know too well, but surprise you by going completely against the mould.

 

And then there's you yourself. What kind of person are you?

Emptiness

My head is empty. I have nothing to say. There aren't even the usual feelings that I can't put into words. There's just nothing.

 

It kinda sucks.